POSTPARTUM AN OPEN BOOK OF NOT KNOWING

What I have gone threw much like every other person in this world is tragic, hard, demanding, emotional, overwhelming, unreal, even more unrealistic then a cartoon show at times. this glimpse of my life, a moment to everyone, or no one. I wonder if a everyone has a tragedy in their lives to talk about, because when you dig a little it seems everyone has one or two they over came or not. I feel like im a walking book with no one to read me of tragic events. one of recent in a category of infinite pain and confusion, I feel like I could have been touched by aliens and been less overwhelmed. I never wanted more then one child, I often joked with friends and family about how crazy people must be to have more then one child, the pain alone is close to death to me I can not have medicine or your usual needle in the back because I have a rare disease called anticoalergic syndrome only 2 people in RI documented and im one. I cant even take robitussin, I almost died in a dentist office when I was 13 that was interesting, and how they found out.

When I found out my life was going to change it seemed everyone around me was happy, congratulations, lets go shopping send me gifts, the angels were setting off trumpets. I however hate pregnancy, im not a fan of children in general, and have to run a business, house etc how the hell could I be happy?, I did not even know how to love two kids my son is my diamond, my soal, how was I to do it right?, how could I leave the business for 6-8 weeks, what if I lost the business?? what if people did not understand? I needed to make sure I had people on the books at some point of returning. I neeed to get everyone in before I had her so they wouldent be upset so they could wait an extra week, ill come back as soon as I can 6 weeks is not long at all. Everything was ok I had a great person mrs lacey smith covered the three weeks after. It was all set up, I had everyone on and I was working my ass off getting dogs done. Then on the last week the busiest week, bada bing bada boom my little Ava Maria decided to come early, a month early!

I was on the way to the emergency room at 3am, I was thinking of a few things, one being jesus Christ we did not even get her crib yet, and two Holy SHIT the clients are going to go to the shop and no one will be there, I did not think about the health of this baby coming or my sanity my health I was thinking like a crazed human worried about all of the big things in my life and not the moment as I promised I would after my fathers passing. I ended up having pete (my husband) post on facebook asking for someone to pin a note on the door I can say to this day I know who they were and I am so honored to have clients like that in my life, Im lucky to have had people care about helping me who are no relation at all to me. I ended up having a very bad labor and disturbing encounters with a horrible nurse and dr at the hospital, people I did not know who tried to visit my room, they had to put some strange security thing on where without a password they said i was no longer there, it was horrific, so bad I believe I went into the thing we italians don’t like to talk about, Depression, postpartum I hate even typing it, its gross to me, its sad, weak, not me, im strong I have no pitty for weakness.

There was a second I had to give up my phone because people were asking when id be back, will there dog still be available for the date scheduled, and this was no less then 12 hours after I had her I have messages in my inbox, on the thread. I was struggling with this tiny human, my pain, petes lack of sleep, this shitty nurse and dr. my mind was a mess, I couldent eat, I was turning into a ghost, I was loosing touch with my sense and I was hiding it from everyone. It was not until I was driving home and our very awesome neighbor walked up to the truck, I found myself hiding in the back seat and afraid looking to my 10 year old son for comfort, I told pete to DRIVE…I scurried into the house without the baby and jumped into the shower and balled my eyes out, quietly because I couldent let pete see me weak like that.

The decision to take a trip to Walmart two days later was a gesture from a man iv known and been with for over a decade and one that only a man who can see threw the hidden,shadowed,  mind of the women he loves makes.” it will be good for you to get out” “get some fresh air” I trusted his judgement I said maybe ill stay in the car with her, so I went. The best decision I could have made would have been stay in the car! but my brain told me this is not happening, im crazy, im nuts, I need to go into freaking wall mart !!  so in I went.

I noticed so much more in this building, then I have my entire life, the sounds, the cashier bings and dings the noise the electric door makes the redbox movie case noise, the way the carriage wheels on the floor sounded like a white noise a tv makes , how my sons hand in mine on the carriage made my arm feel like pins and needles, the people they seemed to stare right at me floating kind of, they looked into my eyes they came so close, the lint on a shirt of a man was unbarable, at that second it was then I realized I had a 5 lb human to protect from germs, and every tom dick and harry wanted to reach for the tiny human in the stroller.  I realized I was screeming for pete but he couldent hear me, because I couldent screem, I was so quiet but tears were building I was sweating, he must have senced it because he looked back at me, turned down an isle and I fell into him balling my eyes out I was so scared I felt like I was being attacked and couldent fight, like a dream where your running but cant when its dark and you cant see but your running. I was faint and shaking my sweat was cold now, It was then he realized I was weak, and he has no clue how to deal with me weak, none of my family can see me weak or deal with weak,. “I am the rock, that was crushed on the railroad track by the train of birth.”

strange and life altering to me is that my fathers horrific, gross, tragic accident, the one where I should have lost my mind, only made me stronger, but this 5 lb baby girl stripped my mind of all It was.

Embarasment and confusion my new feelings, confusion was nothing new but embarrasement?? that only pissed me off, I knew I had to get it together, I knew this would not fly and I promised my son I would be the same mother to him I always was. I had thought that returning to my normal routine I would find myself, so I logged back into my old self, and went to work 3 weeks after having Ava Maria. Working in this business is HARD it’s EXAUSTING and EMOTINAL to begin with, the changes in moods are like a bi polar clock of uncertainty,. My daughter had acid reflux as some of you know about, I had so many sweet clients give me advise but to no avail I suffered threw 3 hours of sleep every night except Fridays when pete was not working, during the first 7 months of Avas life, I hid all exhaustion all emotion and released my tears in the shower where no one could hear me. My shower was like a time capsule that drained all my feelings away, when i finished I looked like the  normal sheena. but inside after closing the glass door I was the actual weak shattered ghost unable to connect with my feelings sheena. With each gasp and cry i tried to hide covered by my own hand, realizing I had to touch reality by turning the focet off.

Im unaware when or if I have fully recovered from that state, I no longer cry in the shower and I have finally bonded with this beauty of a daughter I have, I cant imagine my life without her so that to me is recovered. my mind has lost something when it comes to remembering things, I cant remember things as well as I used to but for the most part im blessed happy and very productive. I think im a little less tolorant of explaining things to the less inclined to understand then I ever was. That is something I cannot say is bad.  I had this blog written up for two months somewhat embarrassed to print it, I am not one to show weakness but tonight I realized it may be the last step in recovering from it all.

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